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I spare details of whats happened for one reason, I do not know how or why.  SO arises the second word to add to the list...how? Well the similar nature of the beast, and its ugly structure of death from war reaps another sweep of the sickle, finding this time money, position and reason for actions...oh we all know why we are there??? Comon!! Hidden agendas, they are so flipping full of ideas and structure, but this time someone who faced it with me years ago found his calling of trumpets and the lutes beckoning was too much to resist.  

The time....this "excursion's" ugly glance found eyes that I KNOW were empty.  Ive seen them before against all odds bring forth a nature in men that simply does not respect anything standing to a path that has been chosen to tread.  My friend was 43 years old, he taught me how to respect by virtue, to gain the upper hand during times of trouble, how and why he was taken eludes me, because at one time years ago; we were nearly taken.  

What should have been done, and whether this was a mistake remains to be seen, but even myself as prior service will likely have the up most difficulty in finding answers...they are blunt, and found to contain deceit at every turn, no one records every movement upon a field of battle unless it is a structured contest containing ample figurines.  Even a trainer and his  preparations can have weakness in approach, or circumstance likely can drive it too far off the plan of attack; taking you away and maybe even forgotten.

I cannot understand how or why so little time was alloted my friend...what the hell was it a raffle? How much is the final pot, because right now I would rather piss in it than award a win.  The simple nature and hard as steel persona he carried along with a speech impediment...that which was constantly ridiculed, and made the center of most all who met him, was simply his way and he had no desire to change for any living thing.  

There was a time in my life I would have died, if it were not for him...but his face and eyes were hollow then.  Something  eats at me when I think of the years that passed after my MEB proceedings that took my tab and retired it...mainly because of any heed to retire and leave then was ignored by him, but Im talking over 16 years ago...How long did he go without telling a soul that he could no longer see anything but fire.  

If he talked to anyone over the years it was shock from what I was told, and yet I found letter after letter in the mail if not from him, from his family...and I found such faithfully there.    

Very few words were spoken when we faced that day and it became what was undoubtedly the moment of truth for us both.  He would not listen, but he did tell me one thing that I wont soon forget... He was done killing, and he could not do it anymore.  Several TOD's in hazard environments took their toll on us both during a time of  constant turmoil for the country...but every excursion and tour he did he wore proudly upon chest, and the few he had that I did not gave me respect for him.  

I returned what I considered a debt that day as well for him, and one of the things I clearly remember; since  then, that very day,  I have never felt so exhausted and drained with nothing left in me...ever, yet I found it in me to go to him.  Oh I paid the price with injuries requiring surgery after surgery, but I'll wager with anyone if they can find regret anywhere inside me.  He taught me to never stop, and never embrace weakness...and yet on this day I'm feeling nearly as drained...nearly as exhausted, and very little left within me.  

I just simply wonder why, then I think perhaps he died that day years ago...  I told someone earlier:  I'm getting very full of wondering why...or how...I wont rest until I find out what happened and how, and yes we all have ways of finding things out when we really want to.  Very tired and full...I have eaten my fill.  I am positive there are many people out there who have had their share of life and hardships, spilled blood for reasons of faith, love, shame, honor, hell I could go on forever...but when these things happen twice and three times...even more, its toll is hard to take, and you want that time BACK...I want that time back...and I want it NOW.  

Hard to find purpose and meaning to these things too, I'm getting to a point where anyone who has answers for this can keep them...I've heard them all and frankly they are starting to spoil like milk in the sunshine.  Tell you what too...If you have heard anyone say they never wanted to know whats out there in the world today, then tell them this: The representatives of a great and sickening cause are there for a reason...doing great things...no matter how sick, or how deceitful the true cause my be, great things being done indeed.

If I could think of a word to describe my life...it is the word sacrifice.  Anyone got a watch on?  Calendar handy?? How much more do I have to eat?? WHY do I have to eat it, and when does the ice cream man come...I cannot hear the truck coming and that damn bell he uses.

I heard a while back a phrase from a song that has stuck with me for a while now...not sure of the name but he says he needs someones Grace...to remind him to find his own.  What I had to overcome then with my friend makes me wonder why that happened, and why it happened again to him only with his number tucked away in his kevlar. I KNOW every rose has a thorn...blah blah...two paths you can go by...reason and purpose is the anchor guiding life and vessel - Im gonna puke...every path can be changed...life comes at you this way, you gotta be that way...my god Im FULL already of litany and theoretical approaches when it comes to anything being taken away...

I want it all back plain and simple.  if all those litanies take the fire from your eyes and places it afront you, then I suppose I should get moving.  Tired and full...and everyone knows what happens when you eat too much...you leave a big pile somewhere.  Far be it from me to wish anything anymore...the positive side of me has lost something I held close, but I'm ready for that big question of one word to be answered...a big steaming dump...oh yeah, I intend to NOT miss a chance for retribution if only for the knowledge of what happened...Far be it from me to even look, but these eyes are indeed getting weary of looking.  For a brother and a friend who never quit, I wont. I promise.
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